If I were to write,
what would you say?

If you were to write,
Would you write about me?

If I were to think
Would I think for myself
Or would I think of you
And what you think of me?

If you were to write
All about me
I do believe
It would be about you
When it ended.

Who I am
Is something else
Entirely.

I do apologize
For keeping so much
Silent.

But that means
I must write myself.

For no reason at all, I decided to create a list of my all-time favorite UGC videos. In no particular order, enjoy:

Drinking out of cups, being a bitch… (This video is a result of a voice-recorded acid trip in a small closet, as animated after-the-fact with a gecko) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skCV2L0c6K0

Stoned child: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs

Self-Defense Video: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/243343/i_hope_you_like_pain/

Pummel-Nic Ask a Ninja: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DImUw5Znnd4

Lazy Boy Music Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EROOFaVFJRg

Tequila PSA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDR935EBKeQ

Eddie Izzard + Legos? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iEK-IEzw

Baby Panda: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNYfZd8iV2k

Shopping Network Accident: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2EQWCpnIR8

You Suck at Photoshop Series: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_X5uR7VC4M

Facebook Spoof: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrlSkU0TFLs

Web Side Story: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1913584

David Blaine Spoof: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYxu_MQSTTY  and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTqsV3q7rRU

And just a cute as hell baby laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_mBLWpdwnI 

Suggestions to add to the list? Comment below.

My horoscope for today:

Someone could really catch your fancy now, so keep those eyes peeled — and maybe look around an online dating site to find a possible match. Remember to be realistic, though — surely they’ve got some small flaw!

An email from a dating site (no offense to anybody, but now I’m depressed):

These 9 people just gave you high marks (4 or 5 stars) on QuickMatch. Congratulations! If you give high marks to the same guys who chose you, we’ll let you both know you match. If not, no biggie. Click anyone below to start playing or click here to login instantly. Somewhere in the first few people you rate will be your potential match. -OkCupid

I’m pretty much never dating again.

OK ok I know I’m weird and I always always have to apologize after drinking too much. I am working on drinking less moving forward, especially where my co-workers are concerned. The Old Ship is going to see less and less of me than ever as I do better at work.

But in the meantime, you should know that while other people hug and kiss when they’re drunk, and I do that too, I do other stuff. Things I always do when I’m drunk:

1. Pinch guy’s nipples. Sorry, I can’t help it. Doesn’t mean anything.

2. Punch people in the stomach. Just a play punch, not hard at all. Again, I’m sorry. I don’t mean any harm, but not everybody “play punches” I’m learning.

3. Bite people on the neck and/or back. This means that I like you, but again, I don’t mean any harm, and it doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you either. I just get physical and affectionate.

4. Ask people if they’re faithful to their husbands/wives. Again, this does not mean I’m hitting on you. It’s more like I’m just curious as hell about people’s sex lives.

5. Talk too much. Well, duh. Especially about personal things that you shouldn’t really know.

6. Argue with strangers about politics.

That’s pretty much the worst of it. Please forgive me. I’ll chill the hell out or join AA within the next year; one or the other. I am voting for the first but the second is a viable option if I can’t keep the biting and punching under control.

I got tagged for jury duty on Friday morning. I went in at 10:00 as instructed and was almost immediately called into the courtroom. The trial is a 7 week long civil suit! OMG. I cannot take that much time off of work. They’re giving the reasons you can get out of it for scheduling reasons, and I listened closely.

1. If your employer doens’t pay you for jury duty. I assumed my employer would pay something like 2-3 weeks but they looked it up, and McCann pays for ALL time. Which means seven damn weeks in this case. Argh.

2. If you have tickets for a preplanned vacation. I’m going to Japan, so I figured this one will work. The tickets have to be before the end of the trial, which is set for March 26. My ticket to Japan is, no kidding, on March 27.

I didn’t have a good excuse so had to fill out the questionnaire. I usually don’t get chosen for jury duty, because of all the years my mom was a lawyer and what that exposed me too (which I sometimes exaggerate). I have to go back on Monday afternoon for the interview portion. Keep your fingers crossed.

I would actually love to serve on a jury sometime, and do my civic duty. But this is not a good time, and it would mean way too much time off work. Then my boss would not be cool with me immediately going on vacation the day after the trial ends. Of course, it’s only Monday-Thursday and may end much earlier, but I wish the timing were better.

I was excused and was on my way out of the court when I had a funny idea. I was thinking (while waiting in the courtroom) that this same building at McCallister is where my parents divorced and had custody trials. Evidently I spent some time there and was interviewed by the judge, all sorts of things. I don’t remember a single day of it. I kept looking around, and wondering if it looks the same now as 35 years ago, and if anything looks familiar to me. Nada. It had crossed my mind to go to the court library and request the records, but then I had decided that it’s not a good idea to go digging into the past unless I had a specific reason.

But hey, I was there, and I’m naturally curious, and I’m very emotionally stable in my life right now, so I don’t think anything will throw me for a loop. I went down into the public viewing room and started trying to find my parents’ case number.

The first tape I was looking for was missing from the library. No kidding; the clerk was surprised. They have two tapes for each case, one sorted by defendent and one by plaintiff. Since they were both Kidders and I didn’t know who started it anyway, that didn’t matter to me. So I grabbed the other tape and put it in the machine. It wouldn’t load at all. The clerk tried to help me and said there was something wrong with the tape.

At this point, with one tape missing and one tape not feeding, I was wondering if this was a sign that I should leave well enough alone. But it only motivated me more. I saw another machine (much older) with a manual feeding mechanism and sat down with that one. I fed the fische through and cranked it with my hand; no need for high tech when looking at a tape from 1972. Eventually I found the case number, and filled out a request form for the records.

They will call me Tuesday or Wednesday, and I can go into the court to look at the documents. I don’t know if I’ll find anything there or not. Or even if I want to. If there’s anything crazy interesting, I can ask them to make copies (at fifty cents a page) and take it home. But right now the plan is just to go over there for half an hour and scan through it.

All of this I was very calm about. No repressed memories coming up to spook me, nothing weird. I was so proud of myself for being mature and intelligent and rational about it, and not letting it faze me at all. I left the courthouse and stopped at Naan n Curry for some chicken, and I realized I had lost my cell phone.

Maybe I was a little rattled after all, for I had put my cell phone down in the Public Viewing room and not picked it up again. I went back to the court (only 10 minutes had passed) and looked for my phone. It was gone. I went home and did some work on my laptop.

My brother emailed me yesterday that a nice guy named Dylan has my phone and is holding onto it for me, but I’ve called Dylan’s number a few times and haven’t got through. Maybe he’s out of town for the weekend and hopefully I’ll connect with him tomorrow. I really need my phone.

Now I have to go back to the court tomorrow for jury duty selection (not til 1:30 so I’ll go into the office early in the morning and get some work done first). And then when the custody files come in on Wednesday, I guess I’ll go in and look at them. I’m still wondering if this is the worst idea I’ve ever had, but what surprises can there be by now? It’s all so old news and everyone’s forgiven everyone. I’ve heard stories from both sides, but nobody knows what I told the judge in private. I bet that’s not even in the court records at all. We’ll see.

Curiosity killed the cat, but so far it just made me misplace my cell phone. Besides, I’m a wolf.

I attended the Cat 1 training ride on Saturday and rode 18 out of the 22 miles on the route. I also rode 1.5 miles to the meeting location and .5 miles home from where I stopped, which makes it a total of 20 miles on Saturday. Considering I’d never ridden more than 2 miles at once, this is a huge accomplishment. Also, considering that the ride was supposedly “mostly flat” and was pretty hilly (imho) and I had to finally learn how to use the damn gears properly.

I feel like a quitter because I couldn’t finish the 22 miles, but at the same time, I feel proud that I am serious about the ride and training hard to get there. If I keep growing at this exponential rate, I’ll be the first one to LA! More likely, I’ll keep training as hard as I can and slowly get up to where I need to be to be in the middle-to-back of the pack.

I woke up early and drank a bunch of water. I filled up my Camelback with wather and two protein bars, and rode from my house to the Marina (Sports Basement). The ride down Franklin was really fast and fun! I wish it could all be downhill… Then I rode past Crissy Field toward the Golden Gate Bridge. The day was absolutely gorgeous and I was very happy and optimistic.

I got to the meeting location, signed in, and the leader started the training process. I used his sunscreen (why did I forget that?) and pumped my tires up (they were super low). I listened to the leader explain the route but I thought I could follow people so didn’t listen too closely. I ate my first protein bar as breakfast. I packed up and headed out. Before leaving the parking lot, I used the restroom in Sports Basement. I checked my sweatshirt into Sports Basement because I was already hot.

I thought I was following two girls who were in my group, and they turned left, so I turned left. As I headed down further toward the GG Bridge, I realized they were not in my group. I checked my route map and found out I’d turned the wrong way. What a way to start the damn ride! I feel so awkward on the bike still and concentrate so hard on shifting and turning that I can’t process any additional information. It’s ridiculous. Anyway, I turned around and headed back towards Sports Basement. I passed it and followed the map into the Presidio.

Being already behind the group, I had to stop and check the map constantly. I also was surprised at how up-hill we were going on my first training ride, level 1! I would see another small climb and stop to check my map to make sure I was really supposed to go up that stupid hill. Then I would have to do it. The problem with this is that I constantly lost momentum and rhythm, and found it really hard to start riding uphill. I almost fell over a couple of times (but didn’t)! Eventually I got the hang of changing gears and figuring out how to go up and down hills, but I kept wondering how far I’d gone (I should get an odometer) and if I would ever catch up to the group (I didn’t). I stopped to rest when out of breath (which was often). I tried to tell myself that for my first long ride I should give myself a break and just do my best.

After the first five miles, I finally exited the Presidio and rode through the Richmond. I was already exhausted and questioned my own sanity. Why did I sign up for this ride to LA? Oh yeah, to help the SF AIDs Foundation, and to improve my endurance. Why do I always choose things to do that are so hard for me? I look at my weaknesses and say, THAT ONE, let’s fix THAT ONE and then I’m surprised when it’s so diffucult and painful.

Anyway, here is a picture of me in the Richmond, after I finished a long hill climb. I couldn’t even hold the camera properly.

But every time I thought about going home, I just got back on the bike and kept going. Once I went downhill past the Cliff House, it was flat and beautiful. Riding along Ocean Beach was my favorite part. I got into a rhythm, I enjoyed the breeze and sound of the ocean, and I started to feel less awkward in the saddle. It was lovely. Rode all the way to Lake Merced and around Lake Merced. Stopped to eat my other protein bar. Checked my voicemail and found out that the training ride leaders had assumed that I went home and left me behind. I left them a message that I was still going but not to worry.

It was a little nerve-wracking to ride in traffic. I’m fine on the right side of the road and not intimidated by the cars usually, but when I have to get over to the left lane for a left turn, suddenly my anxiety just spikes. I signal, I move over, but I’m going so damn slowly I’m practically walking. I figure everyone hates me, but I do the best I can. Once or twice I stopped and walked across the crosswalk because traffic was just too fast and heavy for me. Eventually I got better at the whole thing.

I rode back down the Great Highway to Golden Gate Park. I went in to turn on MLK as the route said, but the street was closed to traffic. Probably something that happened because by now it was the afternoon and it was supposed to be a morning ride. So I rode along a path in the park and it was a little too uppy-downy for me. So tired. I rode from the beach out to 19th Avenue and that’s about the time my body gave out on me. I stopped to rest in the park and checked my route. I had gone 18 miles out of 22 and the remaining miles were almost all uphill. I swallowed my pride and caught a bus home. The bus dropped me at Fillmore and Post and I rode a little under half a mile home. Climbed into my bed and passed out. My ass hurts, my legs hurt, my hands hurt (I think I was too tense grabbing the bars) and my head hurt all Sunday.

Conflicting feelings: I feel like a total loser because I couldn’t finish the ride, felt uncomfortable on the bicycle, don’t have enough time to get ready by June, don’t know anything about anything. However, I felt pretty proud of myself because going from a 2 mile ride to an 18 mile ride (20 miles total in the day) was a huge leap. I didn’t know if I could do even half that. Also I am proud of myself for not quitting at the five mile mark when I was exhausted from the Presidio portion. At least I know I’m serious about this effort.

Learnings: Mostly I learned how to use my gears properly. Being in the wrong gear sucks, and not knowing what gear to be in sucks. But I felt it out and was on all kinds of hills, so I think I learned a lot. I learned how to be stronger in traffic. Also, having the bike shorts was like a gift from heaven. I need different gloves; my hands were cold out of my gloves and kept going numb in them. I went through two camelbacks full of water and still felt dehydrated afterwards.

I talked to my mom and a few friends who told me the 20 miles is something to celebrate and not to freak out about not finishing the documented route. I checked out other training rides, and found some free spin classes I can go to. I just have to understand that I’ve chosen a very ambitious path for myself and that I push myself hard and suddenly.

I went to the dojo on Sunday, and no kids showed up (due to the gorgeous weather, or the superbowl?) so I worked out my arms on the gym equipment. I figured I could keep moving while giving my legs a break. I went to the store and bought some lube (haha – gear lube!) and greased my wheels up. I think I should’ve done that BEFORE the long ride on Saturday!

This morning I rode to work and it was super-easy! I wore a dress with my bike shorts on underneath, mary janes in my gates, and I bet I looked kind of funny. But I felt good when I got here, and hopeful that at least pushing myself on Saturday put me in a good place for my training this week. I’m riding to work Monday, Wednesday and Thursday.

This Saturday I am not doing the next CAT 1 ride. It’s to Marin and includes a big hill on the other side of the Bay. I don’t think I’m ready for that. I’m going to try to ride the 22 mile route from last weekend on my own first. Then the following weekend, there’s a long ride to Tiburon and back. I’ll do that one, and maybe let myself take the ferry back if I’m near death.

To make it to LA properly, I need to be able to ride 70-90 miles a day, and at least 7 miles per hour. I’d like to buy an odometer/spedometer so I can keep track of my progress on my own.

At least, everyone should know how serious I am now. If you haven’t donated to the SFAF cause yet, do it! http://www.tofighthiv.org/goto/thebecca I may over-exert myself, but one way or another, I’m getting my ass to LA on a two-wheeled device.

more animals

Now accepting donations! The minimum goal is $3,000, but I’m shooting for $5,000. I mean, I’m an out of shape 37 year old (38 by May!) and just bought a new bike which I have to ride home from work through BART riots, so definitely this is quite a commitment.

Thank you in advance!

——————-

I’ve signed up for the AIDS ride this year, from SF to LA. A coworker who rode it last year is selling me her bike for a good deal, and I’m so happy! Maybe I’ll even start riding to work sometimes. Expect solicitations for fund-raising as we get closer to May.

The only problem is where I do I keep it?

I’m organizing and cleaning my house, putting things away. I saw my friend last night and told her:
“Hey I still have your tent and your disco ball.”
Her answer:
“Then have a Burning Man party.”